The Shocking Truth About Happiness – Musings of a Van Dweller

// Photo:  My home for 4 months

“Home is where you go when you run out of homes.”  ~ John LeCarre

Life has funny way of teaching you and reaching you in the most unexpected ways.  I had the opportunity to live in a van, you might question if opportunity is the right word, but I assure you, it is.  Without making this sound so dire; I ventured on a 6 month backpacking adventure to New Zealand, Australia and Thailand.

This story begins with all the ingredients for happiness right?

I certainly look happy!

I certainly look happy!

My backpacking adventures have long since ended and all that’s left is a homemade didgeridoo, a jar of sand and a slide show of adventurous pictures that scroll across my work computer on a daily basis.

My coworkers ooze about the magnificent scenery and I smile softly at memories of being transfixed by the silent swirl of outback dust against a burnt sunset, on roads so long and straight it felt as if I was going in slow motion.

When reminiscing, thoughts of freedom and adventure flood my senses.  The taste of the ocean spray, the feeling of the cool water lapping my skin while diving into coral reefs and the overwhelming sense of awe upon discovering that a picturesque beach so long and soft was all to myself.  I wish I could teleport myself to the past and bask in all this happiness.

The Whitsunday Islands - Australia

The Whitsunday Islands, Queensland, Australia

But was it really as happy and problem free as my mind is making it out to be?

It may appear as if I’m trying to make you jealous with my confessions of powdery white beaches and I bet you want to put yourself in this picture right?   But this story has a twist.  Happiness is an elusive concept and through these experiences came huge lessons.

I was fortunate to catch glimpses of what I like to call snippets of wisdom.  For the brief moment you experience these snippets they provide an overwhelming sense of formless universal understanding.  But as quickly as they present themselves to you they slip away and you are back under tight control, habitual thoughts and limiting delusions of the mind.

Even though we live in a privileged society where endless possibilities are accessible, we still aren’t happy.  Sometimes I feel as if everyone is wandering around with a mild dissatisfaction with life.  We aren’t completely miserable or completely joyful but somewhere in a muddled fog like in-between state.

Do you believe that happiness will arrive when you find the perfect partner or job, or have the perfect kids?  For me I thought happiness would appear when I reached the perfect destination.


Vacations, hobbies and things (items or experiences of pleasure) are only transferring suffering.

Let me try to explain this concept a little better:

Backpack (1340)

Milaa Milaa Falls, Atherton Tablelands, Queensland, Australia

When I was preparing for my backpacking trip I worked two jobs, office worker by day, and bartender by night.  I barely slept and I saved all my pennies in anticipation of this trip.  It consumed my every thought.

Living in the moment didn’t stand a chance; I was dreaming of far away beaches, interesting people and days of freedom from work.  My whole world was wrapped around an anticipated future adventure which was going to finally bring me the happiness that I so longed for.

Finally departure day arrived; a gruelling 50 hour combination of flights and layovers left me nodding my head in confirmation of impending happiness as we flew past rugged snow peaked mountain tops:  it was just like I imagined after watching Lord of the Rings 5 times.

Miford Sound - New Zealand

Milford Sound – New Zealand

New Zealand is truly a perfect place for me being a microcosm of all the world’s natural attractions.  I discovered beautiful meadows, pristine rivers and plains.  I trekked the slopes of active volcanoes and tramped on some of the world’s best known tracks.  I travelled through remote patches of virgin rainforest and discovered some of the world’s oldest trees.  I swam with pods of playful dolphins and watched whales and penguins frolicking around our boat as we cruised on remote fiords.

I must admit happiness did seem easier when my senses were buzzing with excitement and newness, the promises my mind made were almost coming true.  I was almost happy.  Thinking back now I can almost convince myself it was perfect, until I read an excerpt from my journal.  The mind is a real magician, it only remembers what is convenient.

Oct 24/04.  I hate cold showers.  The washrooms here are somewhat undesirable, it seems impossible to get clean.  The ground is gritty dirty tile or maybe it just feels that way from all the sand grinding against my feet.  The bottom of the stall is littered with empty bottles and old razors.  My pant bottoms are soaked from the puddle of water that covers the entire washroom floor. I look up to a sign on the wall:  “Please do not use your sleeping bag.  They carry bugs:  See reception if you need a blanket.”  I miss home.

After a month in New Zealand we were on our way to Australia, the initial excitement was wearing off and the exhaustion of living from a bag was beginning to set in.  If I’m honest I will recall the difficulties of my time as a van dweller.

Imagine awakening to an overwhelming urge to use the washroom, except you’re in a hot, crowded city, parked on a random street.  You don’t need details, but frustration levels were high.  Forget about your love of hot, steamy showers, the reality is pulling strings in the ice-cold shower stalls used for surfers on public beaches.  I have strong memories of bug infested nights tipping 30 degrees and the putrid smell of our van for weeks after our orange juice container combusted from the heat.

Ayers Rock:  Australia

Uluru or “Ayers Rock”, Australia

And so life went on, much like life back home. I travelled, marvelled in new experiences and had some testing times too.  Then something alarming started happening; I noticed that as time ticked on I was longing for my old routines:  The gym, work and my apartment.

I was no longer living in anticipation of future happiness, I was now longing for the past.

I began to wonder if I would ever be happy.  If travelling the coast of Australia didn’t pan out, it seemed an impossible unreachable goal.

Why are we so uncomfortable with living in the present moment?  Why do we long for things to be other than they are?

“I don’t live in either my past or my future. I’m interested only in the present. If you can concentrate always on the present, you’ll be a happy man. Life will be a party for you, a grand festival; because life is the moment we’re living now.” ~ Paulo Coelho, The Alchemist

The Three Sisters:  The Blue Mountains, New South Wales, Australia

The Three Sisters, The Blue Mountains, New South Wales, Australia

The reality is I missed out on months of my life while preparing for this trip and ironically I also missed months of my trip while longing for the past.  When I finally arrived back in Canada it wasn’t long before I was longing for my next adventure.  Some might call this itchy feet or a sense of adventure, but I have now realized it was just a cover up, masking an inability and discomfort of living in the present moment.

Let’s take a quick look at this concept from another angle:

Caringbah, Sydney, Australia

Caringbah, Sydney, Australia

You have been dreaming about surfing all week.  The weekend arrives and a wave of excitement washes over you.  If someone asked you if surfing is a true source of happiness you would say “Yes, Of course!” But the right answer is NO, it is not a source of happiness.  Why not?

If something is truly a source of happiness that means it will always make you happy, under any circumstances.  Let’s look at surfing:  You may enjoy surfing for the first hour, even two hours, but what if you had to surf for 24 hours straight?  It would quickly become a source of suffering.  Another example is your desire to eat a cookie.  Your mind tells you it will make you happy, but if you eat cookie after cookie, then you have created a big problem.

In other words if something is a true source of happiness it can never cause you suffering.  Take a moment and look inward at the things you think are making you happy.  Can any of these things cause you to suffer?

This long explanation is simply saying:  Happiness can not be found in future promises or past nostalgia.  It can not be found in external objects, people, places or things.  It can only be found from within.  Buddhist’s believe that regardless of your environment or situation, you have the control and the power to experience blissful happiness.

“When each day is the same as the next, it’s because people fail to recognize the good things that happen in their lives every day that the sun rises.” ~ Paulo Coelho, The Alchemist

Upon first learning of these concepts it left me feeling sad, I loved planning trips and dreaming of future plans.  What is the harm?

The Whitsunday Islands:  Australia

Whitehaven Beach, The Whitsunday Islands, Queensland, Australia

Buddhism is not telling us we can’t find worldly enjoyment in people, places or things, it is simply telling us that they are not the source of our happiness.  Many people form opinions of Buddhism without really understanding the concepts.  There is nothing wrong with striving for goals, enjoying your children and spouse, or taking vacations.  Non-attachment is not about shunning human contact.  Non-attachment comes from the wisdom that these things are not the true source of our happiness.  Whenever attachment is involved we become stressed and worried because worldly possessions are possessions we can lose.

True happiness can not be found in Australia, a cookie or another person.  It has to come from the inside, once we reach that; no matter what the outside looks like you can achieve happiness.

My Buddhist teacher sometimes refers to a story about a remarkable women in Auschwitz who endured unspeakable suffering.  Throughout her entire experience she somehow retained a peaceful mind; they could beat her, take everything away from her, but they couldn’t take away her inner happiness.  On so many levels this tale is utterly inspiring to me.  I fills me with hope.

Byron Bay - Australia

Byron Bay – Australia


How Little We Actually Need to Survive

All the stuff  we surround ourselves with is merely a distraction, we are filling a void.  I mentioned in 10 ways to Save Money; “Money can’t buy happiness but it can buy comfort, after the initial comfort is satisfied that’s where our obsession with money should end.”

For some reason we can not let our mind be still, we need to be constantly distracting ourselves:  Scrolling through text messages, while compiling to do lists and maybe eating a sandwich at the same time.  Sound familiar?

We are bombarded by the media presenting promises of happiness through materialistic measures.  It’s no wonder we struggle everyday.  Resist those urges.  It’s an empty path, it won’t make you happy.

It’s hard not to get roped into the consumerism trap.  I need constant reminders that it’s a false sense of happiness. I enjoy stuff, but I also recognize that I don’t need it.

I mentioned in a previous post that my husband had recently lost his job; during this struggle in our lives I thought back to my 4 months in a van, solemnly wondering if we would be soon homeless.  Maybe I would live in a van yet again!

During this time in my life I only had a couple T-shirts and a notepad for entertainment.  But it was this experience that gave me the wisdom to know that no matter what happened, even if we lost everything; we would still be us, we would still have our inner aliveness and life would still be beautiful.

A beach along the coast of New South Wales

A beach along the coast of New South Wales

So now that we’ve talked about where we can’t find happiness, where can we find happiness?  The only way to cultivate true happiness is through virtues such as kindness, stillness, love, patience and acceptance.  We can practice these virtues through mindfulness, “Mindfulness means paying attention in a particular way” ~ Jon Kabat Zinn.  Pay attention to your actions, behaviours, speech, and thoughts.

Through mindfulness you will begin to discover inner peace and happiness will form naturally.

I realized my purest happiness comes from tugging on my dogs face while he looks up at me and smiles or from watching a crimson sunset while travelling along an open road with the windows down and my favourite song playing on the radio.

It leaves me frustrated that all these years I’ve been transferring my suffering, not really enjoying any moment to it’s fullest (but that frustration is only handcuffing me to past, so now I need to let that go too). All along I just needed to look inside.

You have the ability to be happy, no matter what your life looks like, you make the choice to be happy.  You don’t need money, exotic destinations or the perfect partner; you have all the tools right now to make a huge change in your life.  And thankfully you don’t even need to live in a van to realize this.

 “The simple things are also the most extraordinary things, and only the wise can see them.” ~ Paulo Coelho – The Alchemist

Note:  I sorted through the hundreds of photo’s taken with my old pocket camera and picked just a few that captured the true beauty of these countries.  One day I hope to make it back with my SLR in hand and visit some of these places again.

Recommended Reading:  The Alchemist

If you enjoyed this post you may also enjoy:  10  Easy Ways to Save Money – Without Getting a Raise and Buddhism: The Four Noble Truths – Start Living Happier Now

The Twelve Apostles

The Twelve Apostles, The Great Ocean Road, Victoria, Australia

21 thoughts on “The Shocking Truth About Happiness – Musings of a Van Dweller

  1. sexualfluidityfrolicker

    I like the way you organized this post. It’s easy to read because you split it up into different sections and put in visually interesting elements to spice up all the fresh content you have!

    Also, I empathize with what you said about thinking happiness was in the destination rather than inside yourself. I went through a similar revelation myself recently, only different. I used to think I could find happiness by admiring and lusting after specific men I felt strongly about. It was like I thought my happiness was inside them because of the beauty I found in them as individuals. Now I realize that my life is what I make it out to be.

    The reality we experience is in the interpretations we form within our minds rather than the observations we make with our senses.

    The beauty I saw in those individuals I mentioned originated inside my mind, not within those specific individuals. In those moments, I mirrored the famous gestures of ancient Greek love. Oh, what an emotion to entice an entire civilization!

    1. Barefoot Beginnings Post author

      I think we can all be a little guilty of feeling like beauty can make us happy. 😉 I know I’m guilty of staying with the wrong people for way longer than I should have for reasons I can’t even really explain.
      Its rather clever that you recognize specifically that it was their beauty in particular that you were drawn to. Our mind can distort reality to be whatever it feels will suit whatever delusion we are carrying, I find it fascinating when we really start to pay attention. Do you find yourself now connecting with a different “type” since this revelation?
      Thanks for you kind words, I’m glad you found the pictures appealing 😉

      1. sexualfluidityfrolicker

        You misunderstood. The beauty that I perceived in these individuals had nothing to do with them in reality. It was a matter of self exploration. Each of them possessed something important I felt I lacked. When I gave myself the opportunity to look at these individuals from a different perspective, I realized I was actually trying to find myself in them. Now that I am older and wiser, I know I was looking in the wrong place. The beauty I found in them should have been beauty I searched for within myself. .In other words, my emotional boundaries have been skewed for much of my life.

        What’s funny is that I never developed any sort of intimate relationship with almost all of these individuals. I am happy living mostly inside my head. The largest change I’ve seen since working through some of these issues is that I no loner need others to satisfy the majority of my wants & needs. I have found contentment within myself. Others cannot prevent unhappiness. They can only accentuate happiness that is already present within yourself.

        In other words, other people have become less important in my head. It makes me content to know this is true.

      2. Barefoot Beginnings Post author

        Wow what an Insightful honest comment. It sounds like you have down a ton of personal reflection, investigation and most of all change. By the sounds of it you are exactly where you should be and on the right path. Thanks for the honest comments and for taking the time to read.

      3. sexualfluidityfrolicker

        Sure! It was pleasant to read about someone else going through something similar. Reassuring really. It lets me know that it’s okay that I’m not the person I was last year. WOOT!

  2. That EJ

    Wow. What an amazing post. So perfectly written. I loved everything you said and it resonated with me completely. Honestly probably my favourite post I have read recently. I cannot wait to see what else your blog holds. Thank you for taking the time to carve such a wonderful and enlightening story. 🙂

    1. Barefoot Beginnings Post author

      Thanks EJ, I really appreciate you taking the time to read and let me know your thoughts. I’m really happy that someone found some meaning in this post because honestly these concepts have changed my life completely!

      By the way I loved your post “home is where you feel it” just reading that made me instantly relax 🙂

      1. That EJ

        You’re most welcome! I honestly found a huge amount of meaning in your post. I feel I understand your meaning completely. And thank you so much! That’s very kind of you to say. 🙂

  3. Littlesundog

    I love this post… simplicity really speaks to me! It is interesting how we meander through life, discovering who we are and who we are not. Our happiness does come down to simplistic living most of the time.

    1. Barefoot Beginnings Post author

      Thanks for reading. I do believe that simplicity is key! It just seems so sad that most often we don’t discover what makes us happy until its too late and then we are left with so many regrets.

  4. Pingback: Why you Need to Forgive, Even if its Hard. Letting go of Anger, Resentment and Grudges | Barefoot Beginnings

  5. tobyo

    I really liked this post too. I struggle with worrying about the future such that I sometimes miss out on what’s going on in the present. That part i totally agree with! I’ve been paying more attention to this and when I do I am so much more at peace AND I enjoy the moments more. I’ve also been guilty about thinking of past events and sometimes worrying that I did something wrong and again miss out on the present moments. You can’t change the past so why worry about it? Indeed. However, I do think that planning for one’s future is a good idea and doesn’t really fall into this category. An example of this would be something I do a little bit of all the time. not every day. what I mean is planning for retirement. And since we want to retire overseas there is much to research and plan for. See what I mean? sorry if my thoughts are a tad jumbled tonight. I should get to bed but I wanted to thank you for another wonderful, thought provoking post!

    1. Barefoot Beginnings Post author

      I do agree that there is necessity to plan and organize. And retirement is a prime example of something we need to plan for, but having said that I do feel like we need to stop obsessing about planning. We can approach our planning with a clear focused mind and then move into the next part of our day. I have a tendency to obsess over planning so I need to pull back and remember to come back to the present. Thanks for reading and you should read the alchemist, it’s a wonderful book! 🙂

      1. tobyo

        ah yes, to not obsess!! I tend to obsess too. I like your idea of making time to plan and then move to something else. I’m not quite that disciplined though 😉 just checked the library and all 400 (exaggeration!) copies are checked out or being held for someone to check out! I may just purchase it 🙂

      2. tobyo

        okey doke, just ordered it last night! AND I have a week off after next week. should be able to get started and maybe even finish it. stay tuned 😉

  6. Krystal Skwar

    “Buddhism is not telling us we can’t find worldly enjoyment in people, places or things, it is simply telling us that they are not the source of our happiness.”
    – As a novice Buddhist of sorts, I like this quote a lot. I often struggle with the conflicting world views: Western materialism vs. Buddhism. We live in a culture that is so “stuff” oriented, so competitive and comparison driven. It is nice to remind myself that it is OK to want the pair of earrings and to get pleasure out of them. The key is just to realize that true inner happiness/peace does not come from the earrings! 🙂


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